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NFL Piece – good for a week or so

NFL - Fun with NFL Futures Here we are in the dog days of summer, the baseball pennant races have not heated up to full temperature and college and pro football teams have not reported to camps yet. While winning at wagering is serious business, unless o

2007-07-21

NFL - Fun with NFL Futures
Here we are in the dog days of summer, the baseball pennant races have not heated up to full temperature and college and pro football teams have not reported to camps yet. While winning at wagering is serious business, unless one is laying down hard cash, it is difficult right today to get all worked up about what is ahead unless you have a Vulcan mind probe looking into the future. With all the serious information already floating around on the internet or in bookstores (StatFox will have ours also), we thought we would take a whimsical look at NFL Futures.

Dallas 6-1 to win NFC- A few preseason magazines have Dallas in the Super Bowl, how you say? When the head coach’s father’s nickname is “Bum” it might be a telling story. Wade Phillips is a tremendous defensive coordinator, as Head Coach, not so much. This is best described by former Major League Baseball player Mike Hegan who when asked about his thoughts on the skills of his manager “I think he makes a great third base coach.”

New York Giants 3-1 to win NFC East – If you didn’t see the movie “Armageddon” in 1998, you might get another chance following the Giants this season. One big difference in this version, no happy ending and no Liv Tyler. Eli Manning has another quarterback coach, what he needs is accuracy coach.

Philadelphia 6-1 to win NFC- Donovan McNabb will be trying to stay healthy for all 16 games this season. The Philadelphia front office has so much confidence in him to bounce back; they took QB Kevin Kolb as first draft choice. Eagles in the Super Bowl, pass the Campbell’s chunky soup.

Washington 9-2 to win NFC East – Owner Daniel Snyder has had great success in the business world acquiring vast amounts of wealth. In the NFL his Washington franchise is thought of as penny stocks. New Redskins motto “Whatever can go wrong will”.

Chicago 14-1 to win Super Bowl – The last Super Bowl loser to go back to the big game was the 1994 Buffalo Bills, who were stubborn enough to do so three times. Only one NFC team has ever preformed the feat and that was the Minnesota Vikings when the Super Bowl roman numerals were still in single digits.

Detroit 8-1 to win NFC North – Thankfully Jon Kitna cannot be locked up for talking insanely about his team winning at least 10 games this season.

Green Bay 6-1 to win NFC North – As Brett Favre starts his 24th season and makes his 370th consecutive start, the only person close to his age is Father Time. His first AARP card will be sent to him in the mail on his birthday on October 10.

Minnesota 6-1 to win NFC North – Tavaris Jackson is the starting quarterback for Minnesota Vikings. Even comedian Ron White would end up going thru a bottle of Jack Daniels trying to come up with that good of a one-liner.

Atlanta 4-1 to win NFC South – Mike Vick gives new meaning to the NFL stadium song “Who let the dogs out?” Back-ups for Falcons are 29-49 as NFL starters. Vick and his cohorts better hope Roger Goodell doesn’t release Crime Dog on them.

Carolina 6-1 to win NFC –Jake Delhomme led an offense that scored 16.8 points per game in 2006, which was 27th overall. The big additions on offense were draft choice Dwayne Jarrett who was so highly thought of that he fell to second round and David Carr as back-up. Checking into cloning machine for Steve Smith would have saved time and money.

New Orleans 15-1 to win Super Bowl –In the storied history of the Saints they have managed to win two playoff games and now they are going to win three to be Super Bowl champs! In the worlds of Al Borland from Home Improvement, “I don’t think so Tim”.

Tampa Bay 7-2 to win NFC South – John Gruden thinks so little of Chris Simms; he signed Jeff Garcia, still has roster spot for retired Jake Plummer and gave Jeff George a call. Since taking a ready made team to the Super Bowl in his first season, “coaching genius” John Gruden is 9-15 and 10-13-1 ATS in the NFC South.

Arizona 7-2 to win NFC West – The Cardinals are like a combined version of the “Bad News Bears” movie and Marilyn Manson’s new CD, humorous and macabre at the same time.

San Francisco 2-1 to win NFC West –If the NFL is a quarterback’s league as many people believe, then if Harris took a poll of 10,000 football fans, how many would have Alex Smith in Top 10 quarterbacks? Two, his parents.

Seattle 13-2 to win NFC – Seattle battled injuries and post-Super Bowl loser syndrome last season. Now some experts believe the Seahawks are poised for another run. The defense was 22nd against the rush, allowing 125.8 yards per game and the miracle renaissance the Colts had happen occurs once every hundred years. Seattle receivers might want to look into old Oakland Raider receiver Fred Biletnikoff famous stick-em, after leading the NFL in drops last season.

St. Louis 4-1 to win NFC West – Marc Bulger is turning into Sonny Jerguson the former Hall of Fame Washington quarterback. Bulger only threw eight picks in 16 games last season and had 21 TD tosses in the red zone, the highest in the league. The Rams are .500 with him as starter the last three seasons. Stats are great, but can he win?

Buffalo 10-1 to win AFC East – I’ve fallen and I can’t get up I’m laughing so hard. The only thing good coming out of this town is the wings.

Miami 10-1 to win AFC East –First Nick Saban pulls the wool over Miami’s eyes in hiding his true intentions. Then they hire Cam Cameron who has the personality of Dick Jauron (sorry Bills fans) with the hopes he will end six-year playoff drought. Play super lotto instead of betting Dolphins to win division, chances are actually better.

New England 7-2 to win Super Bowl – It looks really good now until Randy Moss has locker room influence and Tom Brady moons Jets fans and DE Richard Seymour gives everybody the finger at Gillette Stadium with two minutes to go in loss to Pittsburgh and walks off the field.

N.Y. Jets 11-2 to win AFC East- Everything worked out pretty much perfectly for the Flyboys in turnaround season. This season everyone will be more prepared for Jets. Get this- New York is 2-23 ATS in division games when they lose straight up off back-to-back wins.

Baltimore 18-1 to win AFC – Last season Steve McNair threw more wounded duck pass out in the flat than Joan Rivers face lifts. Offensive genius Brian Billick (just ask him) had better come up with a game plan quick if running game fails. If McNair gets hurt, it’s “Nightmare on Elm Street” with Kyle Boller in leading role.

Cincinnati 17-1 to win AFC – Though nothing official, reports are emerging a new nation wide gang is taking hold in major cities. The name of these marauders is the Bengals.

Cleveland 10-1 to win AFC North – Reports out of Cleveland have Brady Quinn to be as accurate as Eli Manning. Cleveland coaches have newly acquired Jamal Lewis drinking three gallons of rejuvenating water a day.

Pittsburgh 5-2 to win AFC North – Pittsburgh playing Cover 2, Ben Roethlieberger calling more of his own plays, stop the madness, stop the madness or I’ll become a Browns fans I say.

Houston 12-1 to win AFC South – The Texans winning this division has about as much chance as George W. Bush winning a third presidential term.

Indianapolis 6-1 to win Super Bowl – While skeptics claim there are no more miracles in the world, the Colts performed one in having the NFL’s worst run defense by far play a major role in becoming Super Bowl champions. A big part of the success was the return of Bob Sanders at safety. Opposing teams will now try to influence Sanders to keep him away from the line up scrimmage to open up those same holes that were two SUV’s wide. Trivia question- Name the Colts starting linebackers?

Jacksonville 3-1 to win AFC South – At this point whom would you rather be, Jack Del Rio or the person who just sat thru the “I pronounce you Chuck and Larry” movie? Del Rio’s hot seat is smothered in Kick Ass dipping sauce.

Tennessee 8-1 to win AFC South – It’s a good thing Vince Young is not an accomplished passer yet, otherwise the lack of talent at wide receiver would really be magnified. The Titans ranked 32nd or last in total defense, but at least they have Jeff Fisher is the longest tenured coach now that Bill Cowher retired.

Denver 10-1 to win AFC –Color me confused, but when did Jay Cutler turn into Dan Marino in the off-season? Even with changes in the defensive line you can follow the change of seasons as often as the Denver’s front four records a sack.

Kansas City 10-1 to win AFC West – The Chiefs stock as a division contender has gone much the way of the teepee for living quarters. Coach Herm Edwards can talk like Tony Roberts all he wants, but unless Larry Johnson has 700 carries, Kansas City has no playoffs in its future.

Oakland 10-1 to win AFC West – How bad are things in Kansas City when a team that has lost 49 games in the last four years has the same odds to win the division as you do.

San Diego 5-1 to win Super Bowl – While Marty Schottenheimer was a reach as coach for a good team at least he has a history of success. The Chargers instead turn to Norv Turner to take them to be Super Bowl champs in 2007. This makes as much sense as a Bon Jovi country CD.

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